The past week has been good. Quiet, but relaxing and peaceful. Our family is scattered all over the place with my husband’s parents visiting India right now, his brother in Baltimore, and his sister and my family are all in Canada, so we were on our own for Christmas this year. It’s hard being so far away from family during the Holidays, but with everything going on with us right now, it was nice to be on our own and just relax. We spent a quite Christmas Eve at home with just us and our kitties. We cuddled up on the couch and watched our favorite Christmas movies: It’s a Wonderful Life for my hubby and Miracle of 34th Street for me, and then rounded off the evening with A Christmas Story marathon. We exchanged gifts at midnight and slept in on Christmas morning. Then, after lounging about all morning, we went to a movie in the afternoon and had a lovely dinner with another couple. We had a great meal, played games and just relaxed. It was the laziest Christmas ever. And it was perfect. My lazy Holiday continued through the entire weekend with a few get-togethers with friends and…Continue reading A Relaxing Holiday
Tag: Miscarriage
What Should Have Been
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the due date for miscarriage #2. It was a pretty rough day. I spent the morning moping around the house, feeling sorry for myself. If things were different, we would have been celebrating a first birthday for Christmas this year. And when I thought about that, my thoughts started spiraling down the would-have, should-have been path of all the things that could have been. If I had a normal, healthy pregnancy with my first, and didn’t get Preeclampsia/HELLP Syndrome, I would have delivered my son full term and he would be with us right now. We’d have a rambunctious 3 ½ year old boy full of joy and excitement for Christmas. If my second pregnancy hadn’t resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks, we would have a 2 ½ year old girl or boy. If pregnancy #3 hadn’t resulted in my second miscarriage, we would have a 1 year old right now. And if my last miscarriage hadn’t happened, I’d be going in for a c-section right about now—I can’t have a vaginal delivery because of my emergency c-section at 27 weeks with my first pregnancy (another regret)—but instead, all of these pregnancies went wrong,…Continue reading What Should Have Been
Celebrating 6 Years With My Love
Six years ago today (well yesterday now since it’s after midnight), I married the love of my life. It’s hard to believe it’s been six years already and yet we’ve been through so much together in that time, it should feel like a lifetime. It’s a true testament to our relationship that we’ve been through everything we have been, and it still feels like just yesterday that I said I do. As I think back on it all, I feel truly blessed. I will never forget that magical day, six years ago when we stood up in front of our family and friends and vowed to love each other through better or worse. And we have. I’ll never forget any of it… The amazing trips we’ve taken together so far. Adopting our kitties. The morning I took my first pregnancy test ever and it was positive, and I waking my husband up (pee stick still in hand) and telling him we were pregnant. I’ll never forget the look of sleepy joy he had on his face. I’ll never forget the anxiety and fear we felt when we were told I had to have an emergency c-section at 27 weeks. Or…Continue reading Celebrating 6 Years With My Love
And Then There Was One
My doctor emailed me with the results of the PGD testing today, and we have 1 normal embryo out of the final 4. A girl. I immediately burst into tears upon reading the results. I was so relieved and also sad. The other 3 were abnormal and were another girl and 2 boys. My doctor attached the report from the PGD lab with his email and seeing the actual results was rather surreal. Two girls, two boys, but only one with normal chromosomes. My hubby was at work and has to keep his phone off when at work, so I called my Mom and she too burst into tears, so there we were both blubbering on the phone. We’re so relieved that we at least have one shot at this. Thank you God! Above is a picture I took on my walk today. There on the side of a wall was a single pink rose growing on a vine. A single bloom, just like our girl. I took this as a really good sign! Now I wait for my period to come and we’ll hopefully proceed with FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) of our little star. I have a phone appointment…Continue reading And Then There Was One
Still Waiting
I contemplated writing a post tonight since I don’t have any updates, but I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for all your words of encouragement and hope. I was really feeling scared and sad yesterday, but your support really helped bring me out of my funk and renewed my hope. I went out for another long walk today because it really does help clear my head, and because even though I’ve been living here in Southern California for 6 years now, I don’t think I will ever get used the fact that its beautiful and sunny outside in December. Sometimes I miss snow at this time of the year, but then I hear reports of weather being -30 Celsius back home, and I don’t miss it so much. So today on my walk, I took in the smell of fresh cut grass, felt the sun on my skin, and stopped to literally smell (and take pictures of) the flowers, and I thought about all I was thankful for. Foremost on that list is my hubby, who I get to pick up at the airport in 3 hours, and I’m beyond excited to see; our family, especially…Continue reading Still Waiting
Final Four
Dr. J emailed me today with a status report on our embryos. His exact words were “… 4 blastocysts were biopsied. This is a good start.” I honestly didn’t know how to react to this news. The fact that 4 out 11 embryos reached day 5 is a decent percentage (36%), and we were told the average survival rate of embryos reaching 5-day blastocyst in the lab is about 30%, so we’re right where we should be, but will 4 be enough? Will this give us enough of a chance of having at least one healthy embryo after PGD? I’m trying to stay optimistic, but the closer we get to finding out, I’m kind of freaking out a bit. After getting the email. I went for a long walk to clear my head. I was in a real funk. Five days ago, we had 11 possibilities, and now we have four. It really scares me. I also can’t help grieving for those 7 that didn’t make it. These were 7 tiny little lives that we created, and their existence was over so quick. I know I shouldn’t think about it that way. If they didn’t survive to 5-day blast in…Continue reading Final Four
Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago
First things first, I have not heard from Dr. J to tell me how many of my embryos survived to today, 5-day blastocyst, and were biopsied for PGD. He said he wouldn’t call until Tuesday, but I really wish he would give me a status update. I’m so anxious to know how they’re doing. I just keep praying, no news is good news. Tuesday, cannot come fast enough! On that note, I definitely needed a good distraction today, so I decided to tackle a project that is very dear to me, but I have been avoiding for over 3 years. Shortly before my first miscarriage and a year after we lost our son, I began a painting in memory of him. Then I found out I was pregnant again and stopped painting because I was worried about the paint fumes. I only paint with acrylic paints so they really aren’t toxic, but I worry and didn’t want to take any chances. Then we miscarried and I just wasn’t in the right head space to resume working on it. And then I had another miscarriage and another, and I just never came back to it. So today, I was wondering what…Continue reading Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago
Waiting… Wishing… Hoping…
Yesterday, I started a daily distraction activity to get me through this next week of waiting to hear how my embryos are doing and whether any of them are viable after PGD. The first distraction activity was decorating our Christmas Tree. Above is a picture of my special memory ornaments for my angels. The three snowflakes are the same ones A Calm Persistence blogged about finding at Kohl’s in her post It was just one of those days…. She purchased them for her angel babies and was extremely generous in sharing where she found them so others could get them too. I absolutely loved them and went out a few days later and got them for my own angel babies. The three snowflakes are for each of my miscarriages with the birth stone for each due date: April 18th for my first miscarriage, December 20th for my second miscarriage and January 5th for my most recent miscarriage. The two angel ornaments are for my son, my angel Holdon. One angel holds his birthstone for April 6th and the blue angel above it was a gift from my mother, and it holds his picture. These 5 ornaments are my most cherished…Continue reading Waiting… Wishing… Hoping…
IVF and PGD Part 2– Egg Retrieval #2
Early this morning we had our second egg retrieval, and so far it went well. First and foremost, we got 9 eggs this time which is 2 more than last time! I was so relieved to hear this, but now we have to wait and see how many are mature and fertilize. Last time we got 7 eggs, but only 6 were mature and 5 fertilized. So that was a really good percentage of fertilized eggs for the number of eggs we started with. I pray we are equally successful this time! All in all the procedure was about the same as last time. We arrived at the clinic OR at 6:15 this morning as directed by the nurse for the hour prep time needed prior to our 7:15 retrieval time. Since I was the first patient of the day, things moved along pretty quick. We filled out the same consent forms as last time, and then I was taken into the pre-op area. I got undressed and put on the lovely retrieval ensemble consisting of hospital gown, booties and surgical cap. Then, the nurse took my vitals and prepared my IV. This part went much smoother this time. Last…Continue reading IVF and PGD Part 2– Egg Retrieval #2
IVF and PGD Part 2 – The Eve of Our Second Egg Retrieval
It’s 11: 30 pm on the eve of our second retrieval, and I can’t sleep so I decided to get up and make myself a cup steamed almond milk before my “no food or drink after midnight” cutoff. The same thing happened to me last time. I went to be early in hopes of getting a good night’s sleep before the procedure, but tossed and turned for hours. I understand why it was so hard last time. I had not done this before so I was worried and nervous about the procedure, and I was really worried about the outcome. However, this time I know what to expect so I really thought I would be able to rest easier tonight, but as it gets later and later, and I get closer to my 4:45 am wake up time, I’m even more and more worried. I guess it’s because if all goes well tomorrow, we’ll finally be moving forward with the PGD and that has me even more scared. Sigh… Will I ever rest easy again? Who knows… I guess for now I just have to be thankful that we’ve made it this far and wait and see what happens. So…Continue reading IVF and PGD Part 2 – The Eve of Our Second Egg Retrieval