A good friend of mine, Judith from juicygreenmom.ca, asked me to participate in a Blog Hop that features new women writers and celebrates why we are writing across all blog communities and genres. When she first asked me, I was a little surprised because I have never really considered myself a writer. I write, but am I a writer? If you asked me, I would have said my husband is the writer in our household, not me. He doesn’t write professionally, but has been working on several writing projects for the past few years that we hope he’ll publish one day.  If you’ve read my husband’s short story, Holdon’s Story, titled “Press Play”, about our son’s short life, I think you will all agree that my husband has a rare gift for the written word. But this post isn’t about my husband the writer, it’s about me and why I began writing.

I’m a visual artist, and historically I’ve always turned to my sketchbook or canvas to let my emotions and thoughts out. It wasn’t until I lost my son that I turned to writing. In 2010, I had to deliver my son early due to HELLP Syndrome (to read more about my first pregnancy click here) and unfortunately he passed away three and a half months later due to severe prematurity. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know how to express myself visually because I didn’t recognized anything in my life and visual representation had no meaning for me, not even abstractly. This was the darkest time in my life. Eventually, I began to heal and even pulled out my easel with the plan to begin a painting for my son, but just when I thought I was starting to understand my new life without him, I had a miscarriage, and once again my world was turned upside down. I put the easel and paintbrushes away and picked up a pen instead.

Writing for me began as a series of thoughts that I would jot down on scraps of paper and in a notebook. Later I began to piece those thoughts together on the computer. That is where the story of my son lives. It is still not complete. I think it’s because my version of Holdon’s story is intertwined with my overall journey to have a child which is still ongoing. Eventually, I hope to publish an ebook here on my blog and maybe even in print one day, but like my life, my book has been ever evolving because so many other events have taken place since I first started putting the pieces of Holdon’s story together. Since I first began writing I lost my son and have experienced three miscarriages. We then tried IVF with PGD in hopes of preventing another miscarriage and more loss, but our only normal embryo failed to implant. That was followed by yet another miscarriage. It has been four years of sadness and disappointment, but also of amazing self discovery and hope.

In the meantime, writing has taken another turn for me and has become a very fulfilling aspect of my life through this blog. It was after my third miscarriage and fourth loss that I decided to start this blog. I was tired of living in shame and secrecy about all the loss I have experienced and I wanted to share my story and build a community of hope for others going through recurrent pregnancy and infant loss. What I discovered is that the community already exists and the amount of love and support we provide each other through sharing our stories has made this difficult journey easier.

Now months later, I find myself pregnant again with our sixth baby (naturally) and hopefully the one who lives. Our miracle baby. I live in fear every day that we will lose this baby too, but I also have so much hope.

How the Blog Hop Works

Write a description of yourself as a writer and answer the 3 questions below. Then invite 2-3 other women writers/bloggers to participate.

What am I working on/writing?

I am continuing to work on my book about Holdon, loss and my ongoing journey into motherhood. I also share accounts of my experiences regarding my journey through this blog. Admittedly, my book has taken a backseat in the past year to myhopejar.com, and I have realized that this blog and the community I have found through it have become an important part of my story. As my journey into motherhood evolves, so too will my book. It will likely become a compilation of my overall story, excerpts from this blog and will include my experiences since I began blogging.