Hard Decisions

My Hope JarHealing Through Sharing, Uncategorized

I’m having a really hard time articulating my thoughts right now so I hope this all makes sense. Since my last post, we’ve had to reevaluate our choices again because we got the fee summary from our clinic for our upcoming plan, and we’re not sure we can or should proceed. If we somehow miraculously end up needing to do only one low stim cycle, it will still end up costing us another $16,000. If we end up having to do 3 or more low stim cycles (far more likely), we’re looking at spending another $25,000 or more.

Here’s the fee summary we received from our clinic:

MIN STIMULATION EMBRYO CRYO CYCLE, GLOBAL PACKAGE FEE $ 6,442.50
MIN STIMULATION EMBRYO CRYO CYCLE, GLOBAL PACKAGE FEE-15% ADJUSTMENT $ 5,872.38
MIN STIMULATION EMBRYO CRYO CYCLE, GLOBAL PACKAGE FEE-30% ADJUSTMENT $ 4,902.25
FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER, GLOBAL PACKAGE FEE-15% ADJUSTMENT $ 3,493.50
REPROGENETICS 24-CHROMOSOME PANEL (EMBRYOS 1-12) $ 5,125.00
ADDITIONAL $225 PER EMBRYO OVER 12, IF APPLICABLE
TOTAL AMOUNT DUE $ 25,835.63

The above fee breakdown is for 3 Min Stimulation cycles. It will end up costing even more if we still don’t have enough embryos for testing after 3 cycles. I have to admit I was pretty shocked when I got the above fee estimate. I knew it would be costly, but I foolishly thought it would be less and our clinic would give us a break considering how much we spent last round. I guess the above fee is lower if we only have to do one cycle and they are giving an adjustment for subsequent cycles if they’re necessary, but it’s still a lot of money! We could get lucky and get lots of growing follicles in the first cycle, but with Clomid, that’s not very likely. The average is 2 – 3 growing follicles per cycle, sometimes less. It is possible to get more, but knowing my luck, I’ll only get 1 or 2. Either way, we need about 8 fertilized eggs as a starting point for growing and testing.

Are we really going to spend another $16,000 – $26,000 or more just so we can do PGD? I really don’t know. We get pregnant on our own, but we keep having losses. PGD will help us prevent having more losses, but it’s not a guarantee, and even with the best case scenario of only one cycle, it will cost a lot. My gut is telling me this is crazy. I just don’t think we should spend any more on this. We will have to borrow the money in order to do it, and we’ve already spent so much on this and it didn’t work. I wish I could say we’d spend anything to have a baby, but we just can’t. And if this doesn’t work and trying on our own doesn’t work, we’ll be looking at Plan B: Donor Eggs in a few years. So I’m beginning to think we should save our money for Plan B. We could go back to trying on our own and hope to catch a good egg and hope that the next pregnancy will be the one that makes it. Even Dr. J said this is probably the best plan for us until we’re ready to consider donor eggs. However, he also suggested doing one cycle with Clomid to see how I respond to the lower stim meds. If we do well, we would consider proceeding, but if I don’t respond well and only get a couple of growing follicles, then he’ll send us home to try on our own and hope for the best. If I turn out to be one of those women who responds really well to Clomid, and we do get a lot of growing follicles, then maybe, I’ll think differently and want to proceed, but as it stands right now, I don’t think we will.

So, the revised plan moving forward is to go in at the start of my next cycle and start Clomid and Dr. J will monitor my follicle growth. If I do well, we’ll decide if we want to proceed with doing a retrieval. With this plan, we won’t have to pay for anything other than the meds and the monitoring appointments. If we decide to do the retrieval, then we’re looking a the big costs above. If we don’t do a retrieval, then we’ll try on our own and hope to get pregnant that cycle from the Clomid, and hope for a good egg. If I don’t become pregnant from the Clomid cycle, we’ll go back to trying on our own without any stims, and again, hope for a good egg.

Meanwhile, today is cycle day 11 and we’re taking another cycle off as per the advice of Dr. J. However, I talked it over with the hubby, and even though we’re taking another cycle off from stims and the clinic, we’ve decided to not take the cycle off from trying altogether. We’ve been very careful to not get pregnant on our own since we began treatments last summer. We didn’t want to get pregnant on our own again and have another loss. However, things have changed now and it’s looking like that’s an inevitable risk for us. We’re not putting any pressure on this cycle and really don’t expect to become pregnant, but if we do, then we’ll cautiously hope for the best. I know I’ll never go into another pregnancy with the blind faith I’ve always had before. I do still have faith and I’ll always hope for the best, but in order to keep myself sane, I have to lower my expectations. It’s the only way we’ll survive another loss. Either way, it’s looking like we’re going to be back to trying on our own again so we won’t be delaying anything too much if we become pregnant this cycle and have another loss. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, we’ll get pregnant on our own again this cycle or in a few months, and the next time it will the one that sticks.

On the bright side, many of my fellow Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Infertility bloggers have been posting good news of BFPs and happy ultrasound appointments and test results. I cannot say in enough words how thrilled I am for all of you, and how inspiring each and every one of your stories is to me. There are still many of us who are struggling in this journey to have a baby, and you give all of us hope.

25 thoughts on “Hard Decisions”

  1. I love your blog’s name, The Hope Jar. As long as your jar is full, your journey will be less tedious for you. Good luck! I will pray for you. 🙂

  2. Hey sweets, I miss you! This sounds like a solid plan, and it would be really nice to conceive without ART. I wish we could make all decisions with our hearts and disregard our pocketbooks, but I’m happy that you have options and opportunities on the horizon. Much love puddin’. XO

    1. Aw thanks hon! Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if we all had unlimited funds and could just keep doing this over and over until it works, regardless of the cost? Much love back!

  3. Yikes. I hate that it all comes down to money but so it is. I think it is wise to be practical as you are. We are in a similar boat and trying IUI for that reason ($$) but in our case I am the only one ready to consider donor eggs ($18K for frozen donor egg cycle at our current clinic – not including meds) so I don’t know what happens if that fails too. I would try this cycle on your own if in your shoes too. And I hope that you get a miracle when you least expect it. You never know!

    1. It just sucks that these treatments cost so much! Hopefully your IUI cycle will be the one and you don’t have to consider donor eggs, but if so, I hope your husband comes around. I was pretty against it at first too, but it might be our only chance to have a family. My husband isn’t crazy about the idea, but wants to do what I want. Let’s hope we don’t have to go there though. I’m still hoping there are good eggs in there. Praying for miracles for both of us!

  4. I’m sorry the fees were so high. You have so much on your plate and it is quite a bit to think about. I think you and the hubs are rights to keep trying. Thinking of you.

  5. I hate that this whole thing can sometimes come down to finances. Couples should not need to come up with thousands of dollars just to have children. Hang in their girl xoxoxo

    1. I completely agree! It’s just awful how much all these treatments cost. We have excellent insurance. I specifically picked a great plan with Kaiser Permamente so that we would have excellent maternity coverage, and it has been excellent. It’s so good, that I’m willing to pay really high premiums just to stay grandfathered into my plan and not lose it, BUT it doesn’t cover any fertility treatments at all. We ended up paying $30,000 last round for treatments and meds. At some point we have to draw the line and say enough is enough.

  6. It’s seems like you are thinking about it as level headedly as possible. I wish you all the best in whichever route you decide to follow. Thinking of you often.

  7. I’ve learned a few things about PGS since I paid the money to have it done in January that I thought was interesting. Probably most relevant to your situation is that it doesn’t necessarily improve the success rates which I learned through some videos on YouTube (let me know if you want me to dig them up).. Another is that with PGS, instead of a fresh transfer, you’re doing a frozen, which depending on the lab, could make a difference. What my doc ended up doing was transferring more blasts to compensate for those that may be abnormal, this also meant it was a fresh transfer and the blasts didn’t have to go through the freeze/thaw and extra time hanging around in the lab. Something to consider?

    xx

    1. Thanks hon. I’d love to see the videos if it’s not too much trouble to find them. We knew it wasn’t a guarantee, but hoped it would help us at least know which embryos were normal prior to implantation. That is interesting about the freezing. My doctor told me that the freezing may have been why our transfer failed, but also said that the process is so good now that it shouldn’t impact the embryos. Such a contradiction! I’m inclined to think the freezing wasn’t good especially since the one normal that we had after PGD was frozen twice. It was from the first batch that we froze and then thawed and grew with the second batch and then refroze after PGD because my doctor didn’t recommend doing a fresh transfer on day 6. I can’t help wondering if the second freeze damaged our one good embryo. I guess we’ll never know. As for transferring as many as possible and hoping one is good, that wasn’t an option for me because of my history with preeclampsia. I had HELLP Syndrome with my first pregnancy. It almost killed me and my son only lived for 3 months because he was born too early and his lungs couldn’t handle it. My RE told me it’s really dangerous for someone with my history to carry multiples. So, it is what it is. We’ll see what happens going forward. Thinking about you lots. Sending you so many prayers for your 3 little ones.

  8. I really have no comment relevant to this particular blog post. It’s so much to take it and you are making the best decision for your family and that’s all you can do. I am looking forward to supporting any path you take. My real comment is: I’ve miss you and was thrilled to see a post from you in the reader. I think of you often and send lots of love your way. You’ve got a lot going on so I’m sure blogging isn’t on the top of the list but I am happy to see you today. Hang in there, hugs!!!

    1. Oh hon, you made me smile and tear up at the same time! I’m sorry I’ve been so out of touch lately. I’ve been reading all of your posts, but just haven’t known what to say on mine. I’ve been processing our failed transfer and this latest financial blow for days now and we only just made up our minds in the past few days, and who knows, we’ll probably change our minds a few more times before all is said and done. Sending you a big hug back. I’ve been thinking about you so much too and praying so hard all is good with your little one.

  9. I’ll be praying for you as you come to terms with everything that has happened and the uncertainty of the future. It is such a scary venture, but I truly admire how you are pushing forward. You are such a strong woman. I just hate that finances determine so much of the decision making when it comes to starting a family for so many women. It just isn’t right. However I think you’re right. You can get pregnant on your own and a PGS doesn’t make it a guarantee. I have to say that I think your decision is the most logical right now and I, too probably would have made the same decision. I’ve also missed you posting and think about how you’re doing often. Hugs.

    1. Thanks hon. I cannot say in enough words how much your support means to me. I’m in awe of how much you give when you’re going through so much yourself. It’s been a hard couple of weeks. I kept sitting down to write but then I’d stare at the screen and not know what to say. The past few days have been a little clearer as we’ve worked through these decisions. Bottom line, I refuse to give up. I still believe this will happen. I’m not sure how it will all play out, but I still have faith it will happen. As spiritbabycomehome.wordpress.com said in her comment above, miracles do happen when we least expect them to. I’m praying for all of us to get our miracles. I’ve been thinking about you lots too. I hope this week is going a bit better. Hugs back!

      1. I actually find comfort in writing to support each of you. You give me hope. The fact that you’ve been through so much and you are still willing to fight for what you know is meant to be.. it is inspiring. Thank you for the thoughts as well. I also know it will happen for us too. Hugs.

  11. Praying for you as you face these decisions. Praying for strength, peace, and clarity. Your blog and your journey are such inspirations. Thank you for sharing your story.

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