Today is the due date for pregnancy #4 and miscarriage #3. It was the last miscarriage I had, and I pray it truly is the last. Two weeks ago, when I talked about miscarriage #2, I dreaded today and thinking about miscarriage #3, but now that it’s here, I’m strangely okay. I think I have to credit it to my last minute change of attitude towards my birthday. Yesterday I turned 37. For months I have been dreading it. It’s not because of getting older. That has never really bothered me and I’ve always felt pretty young at heart (though the toll all these losses has taken out on my body and emotions has made me feel ancient at times), but when you’re trying to build a family, every year that goes by and every year you age, counts. Almost exactly this time last year, I had the go ahead to start trying again after my hysteroscopy and 8-month long drawn out process from miscarriage #2, and now it’s been another year, and another loss. The fact that I had another miscarriage in that time and the due date is the day after my birthday, had me in quite a funk for a while and I really wasn’t looking forward to it at all, but then friends started asking me what I was doing for my birthday, and it got me thinking. I could stay home and feel depressed or I could celebrate and have fun. The latter sounded so much better and I’ve been looking forward to 2014 for a while now, and what better way to kick off the year, then pampering myself on my birthday and celebrating with friends. So I started my day off by sleeping in a bit, then going in and getting my hair cut and colored, then I got my nails done (pink with hearts and flowers for our embryo girl), and then went out for a fun night with friends. Well it turned out to be an amazing night. We had a great turn out and one of my girlfriends even got cupcakes with sparklers and birthday tiara. It made me feel like a little girl again, young and care-free. It was perfect! And I woke up today feeling excited and happy. I really feel like this is going to be an amazing year.

So now it’s January 5th, the day after my birthday and the would have been due date of pregnancy #4, and I have decided to not dwell on it too much. I want to put the past in the past, at least for today, and look to the future and all it’s shiny new possibilities. You can read the full story on My Miscarriages Page Link: My 4th Pregnancy and 3rd Miscarriage. I’ll just say this, we got a lot of information after my last miscarriage, and it was those test results that led me down the path of PGD and our one perfect embryo, our girl, and in just a few weeks we will be transferring her! This is what I want to focus on today. Today is cycle day 26, and it should be the last day of this cycle. I usually only have a 26 day cycle, and since I’m already starting to feel some slight cramping, I’m certain AF is due to arrive tomorrow, right on schedule. This is one thing I’m so thankful for! After reading some of the stories on here about long and unpredictable cycles, I realize how truly great a short and consistent cycle is. Fingers crossed my period does arrive as predicted tomorrow and that all is good and we’re ready to proceed with our Frozen Embryo Transfer this upcoming cycle!

Another thing happened this week that changed my outlook on today and fueled my hope for our upcoming procedure. My husband’s Aunt and Uncle sent me an unexpected gift the other day. It wasn’t a birthday gift, it was just a “we’re thinking about you” gift. It was a small statue of Saint Gerard, the patron of expectant mothers and it included a card with the prayer below. I was so touched and overwhelmed with emotion upon receiving it. They found this statue and thought of me. We are so blessed to have an amazing family on both sides supporting us. They have cheered with us. Grieved with us. Prayed for us, and continue to be the pillars in our lives that hold us up. We could not have gotten through any of this without them. Nor would we have survived any of this without our amazing friends and now my amazing blogging friends too. I honestly do not know what I would do without any of you!

Statue of Saint Gerard

A Prayer for Motherhood

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonder worker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didot always fulfill God’s design help me to do the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory in the world to come. Amen.