Negative Beta and Feeling Lost

My Hope Jar2WW, FET, IVF and PGD

Thank you everyone for all your love and support over the past few days. I wish I had better news to share, but unfortunately I don’t. It’s official, the blood test was negative today. I knew as soon as I heard the nurse’s voice that it was bad news. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. But at least I wasn’t surprised. Even though she discouraged me from testing on my own, at least it allowed me to be prepared for the final result. Well almost final result. As if this wasn’t bad enough, I have to go back in on Monday and re test, “just in case”. Although it’s very unlikely, there’s still a small possibility that I could have a late implantation and we have to wait to confirm. So this means, I have to wait some more and still have to use the messy progesterone suppositories and I still have to act pregnant, even though all I want to do is drown myself in a bottle of wine right now.

I feel so lost right now. This was our one chance. I have no idea what to do now. After Monday’s confirmation, we’ll meet with Dr. J to discuss our options going forward, but I already know they aren’t great. I’ve tried so hard to believe and stay positive, but today my heart hurts and I feel pretty hopeless. Maybe next week will be better.

My 2WW gift for today. Since I can’t drown myself in wine, I’m planning to drown myself in this giant chocolate bar and chocolate coins.

2WW-PKG13-1

35 thoughts on “Negative Beta and Feeling Lost”

  1. My heart hurts for you. Sending you love, comfort and strength, my dear friend. Love you sweetie!

  2. I’m so sorry 🙁 This just stinks and I don’t really have anything that will make you feel better, but I wanted you to know that if we lived closer I’d bring you that bottle of wine.. maybe 2 and a bag of chocolate. I’m so, so sorry this is happening. It just breaks my heart. I don’t know anyone else more deserving. 🙁 Hugs friend. Big hugs.

      1. Thanks hon. I wish were were closer too! I’d love to share some wine with you and commiserate. We both deserve better than this (all of us do). Is just all so unfair and I’m so tired of it all.

  3. That is awful and my heart breaks for you. I have been following your blog and was really hoping to hear good news. Nothing can make this ok right now but please know you are not alone.

  5. I’m so sorry Jo! I know that doesn’t help at all and that there is nothing that I can say that will help, but please know that I am truly, truly heartbroken for you. You don’t deserve these trials, tribulations and heatbreak….hugs my friend!

  6. God, I’m so sorry. It’s just so unfair. I can’t imagine how awful you must be feeling right now, if anyone deserved for this to work…I wish I had some words of encouragement, but I’m feeling so angry on your behalf I just don’t even know what to say :(.

    1. Thanks hon. I’m feeling pretty angry right now too. I just don’t understand why it’s all so hard. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Your support means so much.

  7. My heart is broken for you…I have tears in my eyes reading this. I can only imagine how you might be feeling by reliving what those days and nights were like after my miscarriage. It’s just not right and I wish I had answers. All my own questions come back after thinking of your situation. So unfair. I know it doesn’t make it hurt less, but you have a whole host of women feeling your pain and grieving with you. Sending you lots of love and prayer.

    1. Thanks so much hon. Your love and prayers mean so much. I just read your post: A Prayer for the Infertile. I couldn’t stop crying while reading it. It was so beautiful and so perfectly said. Praying so much for all of us too.

      1. You were especially on my mind when I was praying. I was thinking of you the whole time. Still praying. Still praying…xoxo

  8. Oh please don’t feel guilty or that you’ve somehow ‘failed’ in some way (I know easier said than done). I know it’s important for you to process and grieve this loss, but I know there’s still a rainbow out there waiting to meet you–I just don’t know when or how. I so wanted this to be your time, and I’m grieved that it wasn’t. I’m here for you, with so much love. XO

    1. Thank you so much hon. My heart hurts so much right now, but I’m doing a little bit better today. Praying so hard we both get our rainbow babies one day.

  11. Sweetheart I’m devastated. Words can’t express how sorry I am. I wish I could squeeze through my screen and give you a huge hug and hold your hand. I will hope, pray, beg that this is just late implantation (very common for frosties btw) and that your angel will prevail. Sending you love and support and strength to get through this difficult time. Here for you xxxxxxx

  12. My heart just breaks for you, Jo.

    You know I was in a similar situation before. My first miscarriage, all that kept me going was that God won’t give me anything that I cannot handle, and it’s true. Three more miscarriages after, I KNOW I am lot stronger than I could ever imagine. And you are too, sis!

    Hang in there… Take care!

    P.S.
    For now, I’ll be drinking that wine for you. I’ll take one for the team. 😉

    1. Thanks Mariiane. I’m trying to stay strong. It’s hard right now, but I know I’ll be okay (eventually). I’m so sorry about all your losses too. I wish none of us had to ever deal with any of this.

  13. This is awful awful news, I am so sorry. I hope you can find strength to nurture yourself during this rough patch. You’re not alone in this, we are all here for you holding your hand. Hugs xx.

  14. Oh honey, I am so, so very sorry. Words can’t even express how devastated I am for you. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending love.

  15. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. This is so unfair! My heart is with you! I wish there was something I could do to fast forward through these fresh moments of pain to when it gets a little easier. Take care of yourself and drink wine! Sending you soooo many hugs and much love! Xxxxxxxxx

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