First of all, I want to thank everyone in the RPL blogosphere for all your support and prayers over the past couple weeks. Thank you also to my family and friends. All your love and support has been my lifeline through this entire process. I apologize for not updating all of you sooner. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty lost. I really thought our one good embryo would take, so it was a complete shock when it didn’t. Even with our 2 negative betas (and 3 negative HPTs), I kept thinking it must have been a mistake and somehow I was still pregnant, but my period arriving with a vengeance yesterday put those diffusional thoughts to rest. It’s done. I accept that now, but I refuse to accept that this journey is done for us. I just can’t be. We met with Dr. J on Wednesday to discuss what happened and talked about our options. They weren’t great, but there still are some options, so thank God for that! He had no explanation for why our embryo didn’t take. She was only a moderate grade embryo which could have been an explanation, except that we did PGD, so…Continue reading CD 2 – Moving Forward and Refusing to Give Up
Officially Not Pregnant
I had my confirmation blood test today and it was still negative. It’s official. Our little embryo didn’t take. I’m completely devastated. I really thought this work, and I never allowed myself to think of the alternative. I know, bad idea, but I just didn’t want to let the negative thoughts in. It was as though I thought if I kept a positive attitude, I could will the final result to be positive, but that obviously wasn’t the case. So… what do we do now? Good question. I honestly don’t know. We have an appointment with Dr. J on Wednesday to discuss our options, but I just don’t know what we can handle anymore, financially or emotionally. So we’ll see. For tonight, I’m drinking some wine because I can and trying to not think about the future and what we should do right now. I just need a night where I’m not thinking about having a baby, or all my losses or anything. I’m tired of it all. Thank you everyone for all your love and support. I feel a little stronger dealing with all of this now then I have in the past with all my losses and other…Continue reading Officially Not Pregnant
A Prayer for the Infertile by a hundred affections
This is so beautiful. I echo each and every word. Thank you Kate at a hundred affections, for posting this prayer: A Prayer for the Infertile | a hundred affections
Negative Beta and Feeling Lost
Thank you everyone for all your love and support over the past few days. I wish I had better news to share, but unfortunately I don’t. It’s official, the blood test was negative today. I knew as soon as I heard the nurse’s voice that it was bad news. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. But at least I wasn’t surprised. Even though she discouraged me from testing on my own, at least it allowed me to be prepared for the final result. Well almost final result. As if this wasn’t bad enough, I have to go back in on Monday and re test, “just in case”. Although it’s very unlikely, there’s still a small possibility that I could have a late implantation and we have to wait to confirm. So this means, I have to wait some more and still have to use the messy progesterone suppositories and I still have to act pregnant, even though all I want to do is drown myself in a bottle of wine right now. I feel so lost right now. This was our one chance. I have no idea what to do now. After Monday’s confirmation, we’ll meet with Dr.…Continue reading Negative Beta and Feeling Lost
6dp5dt – Losing Hope
Well a lot has changed in the past 3 days. I wish I could say it was for the better, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I have been feeling a lot of cramping that’s gotten steadily more noticeable in the past couple days and my breasts were starting to get really sore. I thought this must have been a good sign, so I decided to do an FRER HPT, yesterday. I know I shouldn’t have. The nurse specifically told me not to, but I know FRER is really sensitive and can detect the smallest traces of HCG, and I told myself from the start that I would test a day or two before so I could prepare myself. Well it was negative. And I did another test this morning and it was negative too. I’m devestaded. How can I be feeling all of this and it be negative? I guess it could be the progesterone, but I didn’t feel any of this before the transfer. It’s so messed up. I know it’s not over until the beta tomorrow, but I’m not too hopeful anymore that the result will be different with the blood test. I know this is why the…Continue reading 6dp5dt – Losing Hope
3dp5dt FET
Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past 5 day [blastocyst] transfer). Well actually it’s the 4th day since my transfer, but it seems that the first day is counted as day 0, or at least that’s what the consensus seems to be on all the sites I’ve looked at. What does this really mean? Not too much yet. I still have 4 days until my first beta, but I really have a good feeling about this. Quite literally – I’m already feeling stuff! The first 2 days, I just felt really tired. The first day was probably from lying around all day after my transfer, but then we drove out to Temecula on Saturday for our friends’ wedding and even though I did absolutely nothing except sit in the car, and then sit at the wedding (I didn’t even dance), I felt exhausted all day. The wedding was so beautiful. It took place at the Wilson Creek Winery and it was absolutely magical. However, it was hard for me to fully enjoy it because I was so tired, and it’s always weird being the only sober person in a room. So I left the festivities at 10:30 when the wedding was…Continue reading 3dp5dt FET
Transfer Day
Today was finally my transfer day! I woke up an hour before my alarm today, but I actually slept last night. I think I got up once to pee, but otherwise slept straight through until 6am. It was so great to go into today’s appointment feeling rested and calm. Then when I got to the clinic, my acupuncturist was already there and waiting for me so I didn’t have to wait at all. She took me to the same treatment room that my transfer would happen in, but it was set up all zen-like with soft music, a pretty screen, and there was even a sofa and a sitting chair. It felt more like a cozy sitting room than a procedure room. So I had no problem getting comfortable and actually fell asleep within minutes! I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t sleep at all before both retrievals, but had no problem last night and today! Then my acupuncturist came back in and let me empty some of my bladder so I wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. I was thankful to be able to do so. I’ve heard some pretty awful stories of some clinics not letting you pee at all and…Continue reading Transfer Day
TWW Days 4 and 5 and the Day Before the Big Day
Tomorrow is transfer day! Woohoo! I’m so excited and anxious, I can barely contain it. In just a couple of hours, I’ll go to sleep (please let me sleep), and when I wake up, I’ll finally be going in for my transfer! We have one normal embryo. Our one shot at this, our little embie girl. To say there’s a lot riding on this is an understatement, but I have so much optimism that this is going to work. Please, please let me be right. I honestly don’t know how I’ll be if it doesn’t, but I can’t think about that right now. Right now, I only have room in my thoughts for her. For that single rose blooming on that vine. She is our little bloom and I just feel in my heart that this is going to work. And at least I know I have done everything I could to make it work. The rest is out of our hands. The plan for tomorrow I’ll empty my bladder before I leave the house. Then I have acupuncture at my fertility clinic at 9:30. Then once acupuncture is done, I’ll start drinking water to get a full bladder, and…Continue reading TWW Days 4 and 5 and the Day Before the Big Day
Love . Faith . Hope
My painting is finished! It only took me 3 years to finish, but it’s finally out of my head and on the canvas! In the summer of 2011, one year after the death of my son, I purchased this canvas and started this painting. I started it for Holdon. I wanted to capture all my memories and thoughts of him. I began by sketching out my ideas on the canvas in pencil and put enough paint on the canvas to outline the infinity symbol, but then I became pregnant again and even though I only paint in acrylic and it’s supposed to be non-toxic, I was scared to continue painting, especially in the first trimester. So I put the painting on hold. Then I had my first miscarriage, and I hit such a low place, I couldn’t bring myself to work on it anymore. I didn’t want all the bitter energy I was feeling to be reflected in it. So I put everything away, and promised myself I would come back to it when I was in a better place. It took a long time to get to that better place. Just when I would feel like I was ready…Continue reading Love . Faith . Hope
FET Progesterone Day 3 / 2WW – Care Package #3
Today’s package was a really special gift. It was a small journal with pink fur and hearts on it. My dear friend had no way of knowing that our embryo would be a girl, and yet the little book is so obviously girlie. I think it’s a really good sign that this little girl embtyo is meant to be. Inside the book, my friend inscribed the following: Legend says, when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream. My dreams are for you in this journey. Love you my dear friend. I have several journals that I’ve written in about all my pregnancies, as well as all the moments of trying in between. This is perfect because you can never have enough journals! And I know I’m going to have many sleepless nights in the upcoming weeks (months) while I wait to find out if this works and I think this little book will be the perfect place to write down all the thoughts that are keeping me up. I love the idea that someone else is dreaming about me and for me on those sleepless nights. Package #3 Quote: “When the world says ‘Give…Continue reading FET Progesterone Day 3 / 2WW – Care Package #3